Rediscover you
by SilvernovaX
Summary: Knives has finally been shot down. But what will he do now? His perspective on life takes a huge change once he meets a certain Meryl Stryfe. Reviews appreciated!


yo y'all! another trigun song/one shot fanfic! i believe one shots and songfics are my strongpoint on fanfic. if you read any other of my stories, you will see I am inept at finishing chapter stories. one-shots suit me. song is Fukai Mori (deep forest) by Do as Infinity. yeah, i know its an Inuyasha theme song. disclaimer- i don't own any trigun characters so the friggin lawsuits need to stop : )  
  
I sat by the window, waiting for Meryl's daily visit. Meryl. A few weeks ago, I would have been calling her spider instead of her name. Was I really that man that everyone feared and hated?  
  
'I'm sure that the heart I left behind still lies in the heart of that deep, deep forest.'  
  
Truth is, I was a monster. And most humans will view me as that forever and ever. Damn it! How could I become so weak and emotional over a span of mere weeks? I pounded the wall in fury, only to send a twinge of pain into my still injured arm.  
  
"Knives! You should be in bed!" Meryl's voice said in alarm. I turned around to meet her irritated gray eyes.  
  
"Get back into bed." she said and pushed me back onto the soft matress. I remained silent. My jaw glued shut.  
  
'Without the strength to search, people vanish into infinite darkness'  
  
On the first days on my confinement, I cursed and threatened her for my gun. She held like a rock. I coudn't have wielded it anyways in my condition.  
  
Meryl disproved that humans were stupid and barbaric. My first revelation, I thought with a smile.  
  
Maybe I grew used to her talking. Or maybe her smile. Or her laughter. Slowly, I quieted down. I never spoke. I grew accustomed to her visits. I learned to like her voice, her stories, her wit. I let her weaken me. I let her pity me.  
  
'If its so small, I wonder if I can see it even now? As we live on, we lose a little bit more.'  
  
Meryl's eyes soon softened into the color of wooly gray clouds before a gentle rain.  
  
"You sure you're feeling better? I'll get your lunch and medicine." She laughed when she saw me grimace when she said 'medicine.'  
  
She told me stories of her childhood, business adventures, and anything else she could remember. I liked her voice when she spoke, a sweet, reminiscent tone entered her voice.  
  
I knew Meryl the best of the threesome. I heard a man named Wolfwood used to travel with them. He was dead though.  
  
Milly was the tall one with light hazel hair. She tried to talk to me. But it was all about this Wolfwood character. They were in love. And because of that love, she is now two months pregnant. Even now, I think love is a foolish thing. Love can lead to reckless and blind actions. It seems rather weak minded.  
  
'As we live on, we lose a little bit more. Shrouded in falsehoods and lies, we stand frozen to the spot, unable to cry out'  
  
And how could I forget Vash? The one who caused all this. Old spites resurface and I boil, remembering my brother.  
  
How could we have come to be such bitter enemies? We were brothers. I was supposed to love him. But love is an emotion I will never have. I lowered my head and closed my eyes. Vash the Stampede. It was because of me he had that reputation. Partly anyways. I feel no guilt though. I did not let Meryl turn me into a complete weakling.  
  
Vash had the oppurtunity to kill me, but his sentimental values and morals stopped him. He probably thought he was better than me, just because he didn't kill, I thought bitterly.  
  
'The days pass by and change, without us realizing how blue the sky really is.'  
  
I secretly like Meryl. The only human I would be able to stand. She never blamed me or brought up the fact that I was genocidal, the term they used for mass murder. It was like it didn't matter. But the first few days, she refused to look me in the eye. For the first few days, she was scared of me.  
  
"I hope you're hungry." Meryl said as she re-entered the room with a tray of food and vile medicine.  
  
I ate dutifully but stared sullenly at the acid they called medicine.  
  
"You only have three more days of it. Please drink it." Meryl pleaded. In the end I drank it. But very grudgingly.  
  
I never spoke to her except for my threats.  
  
But listening to Meryl made me amazingly happy, even if it didn't show.  
  
'Overcoming that made-up scheme, we live the present, and our rusted hearts begin to beat again!'  
  
I was listening to Meryl tell me the story of the Fifth Moon and the crater Vash had created in it. She never mentioned the fact I had made him do it.  
  
"Knives." She suddenly interrupted her own story and I looked at her to show I was paying attention, "Vash is coming here next week."  
  
I scowled. How I wanted to rip his throat out. This would be the perfect oppurtunity.  
  
"He's been really worried about you. He wants you to start talking." Meryl added when she saw my vicious scowl, "And the doctor says you'll be fine in a week." I didn't really care.  
  
I knew Meryl was in love with Vash. I saw it in her eyes every time she mentioned him. I didn't see Vash frequently enough to see if he loved her back. There comes that stupid love emotion again. I watched Meryl leave. She was crying, trying hard to hide it. How could he could do this to her, I don't know.  
  
'If we can find the rhythm of time, we can fly once again'  
  
Its been a long week. Vash is coming today. And Meryl's at the store. So Milly has to give me my medicine and food.  
  
"Mr. Knives, you know Vash is coming home today, right?" Milly said. Mr. Knives. I hated it when she called me that. I can stand Meryl, but not this air-headed oaf.  
  
She tried talking to me more. I ignored her and she finally left when she realized I wasn't going to even spare her a glance.  
  
I didn't have anything to think of. When Meryl left, she left me with so many ideas and morals to think about. Milly just begged me to talk. And thats not much to think about. After a few more insufferable minutes, I stood up.  
  
The pain was gone. I could do what I pleased. I opened my window and leapt out of it.  
  
Ah. Fresh air. Or as fresh as these humans would let it get. The town was only a few miles off. I would walk. I could find some guns there. And maybe bump into Meryl.  
  
'We live our lives wandering to the ends of the earth. Believing in you, now I begin my journey with you, in search of the light.'  
  
I'm finally here. The town bustles like a colony of ants. A colony waiting be smashed into the ground, I think viciously.  
  
There are so many stores. I can't find the gunsmith. My thoughts are interrupted by a loud gunshot followed by yelling and screaming.  
  
I run to the source of the chaos. I stop. Meryl stands, back facing two children who are cowering behind her. A man not to far from her holds a large gun. A crowd had developed around the scene.  
  
"Move out of the way, bitch! Don't you know these brats are heir to a satellite station? And I'm next in line, so you better butt out so I can claim my prize!" The fierce gun wielder shouted.  
  
Why wasn't anyone helping? He was going to shoot Meryl! I ran as hard as I could, rushing past her threatener and grabbing his gun in the process.  
  
"Huh? What the hell?" The man said as he realized his gun had disappeared from his hands.  
  
"Looking for this?" I said in my death tone. I was positioned in front of Meryl, the gun aimed precisely at his chest. He was reduced to blubbers within seconds. Pathetic. He begged to be let go, promising me wealth and fame. Hmph. They never bothered to face their death bravely.  
  
As my finger began to squeeze the trigger, Meryl cried out.  
  
"No! Don't do it." She begged.  
  
I pushed her back. She was crazy. I was trying to protect her, but she refuses it.  
  
"Please. We can send him to the police. Just-don't-shoot-him." Meryl whispered. She clutched the back of my shirt and her head rested against my back. I could feel her hot tears falling onto my shirt as she repeated and begged, "Don't do it. It won't make anything better. You'll be just like him if you shoot. Don't."  
  
At that instant I knew the old Knives was gone forever. I was anew, like being born again. I loved Meryl. I could never make her unhappy. I lowered the gun.  
  
'We live our lives wandering to the ends of the earth.'  
  
I collapsed on my knees. And Meryl came down with me.  
  
"Knives..." She whispered, head still against my back. I forgot that people were staring at me, that the police were arresting Meryl's threatener. I forgot that the two children she was defending were still crying. I didn't realize that my brother was standing there, a smile tugging at his lips.  
  
* * *  
  
"I saw what happened today." Vash said quietly.  
  
I was back in my room, staring out the window, with Vash sitting across from me.  
  
I knew he saw me. When I looked up anyways. I didn't know if I could forgive him now. But Meryl would want me to. And Meryl mattered so much to me.  
  
But when I looked at Vash, a coldness swept over me. Meryl didn't love me. Not in the way I wanted her to anyways. Her heart belonged to Vash. The man who sat in front of me would take Meryl away from me.  
  
"You finally talked today." Vash stated.  
  
Of course I did. I think I would notice if I talked or not. These words ached to escape my mouth, but my throat tightened again. I was too busy with the fact that Meryl would never love me. Me, the cold, heartless beast who stands for everything she's against. A horrible idea hit me. Meryl only took care of me because Vash wanted her to. She was forced to play role as my nurse.  
  
"Knives, why did you defend Meryl?" Vash suddenly burst out.  
  
I refused to look at him in the eyes. He knew. He knew what I had become.  
  
"Answer me please. Why did you try and save her?" Vash said softly.  
  
A hard lump developed in my throat. I hate you, I wanted to scream. I wanted to pound him into the ground, let him know what pain he had forced me through.  
  
The words pushed against my throat, urging me to open my mouth. I blew up when Vash touched my shoulder.  
  
"Don't you dare touch me! You know nothing of what you've put me through! Thinking you're so wonderful and better than me! Just- just standing there like nothing's wrong!" I roared, demons in me awakening from their deep slumber.  
  
"Knives, listen to me-" Vash started as he grabbed my shoulders.  
  
"No! Go to hell!" I yelled and abruptly stood up. I felt the fury intense and burning into my core. I couldn't, wouldn't stand this anymore!  
  
'Closing off the way back, we walk on for eternity.'  
  
My fist had collided with Vash's cheekbone, as if my hand had a mind of its own. Vash stumbled backwards, ugly bruise already developing where I punched him.  
  
"Guys, what going on-" Meryl said as she entered the room, cut short when she took in the scene.  
  
She looked at me, and my eyes responded hatefully, go on, go help your precious Vash. She lowered her gaze and stared at the floor.  
  
"I'm sorry." Vash muttered.  
  
What? What the hell did he mean by that?  
  
"I kept you trapped in a cage. It must have driven you insane." Vash murmured.  
  
I desperately wanted to run away into the bleak desert, never to be seen again. Everyone would be happier that way. I stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore their voices.  
  
I felt something warm touch my shoulder. I realized it was Meryl's hand, and she was crying. Crying for me. The ice that had frozen my heart had completely melted away now, the drips of water evaporating into steam. A warmth rose in me, a feeling that had never been there before. It was amazing how within a few hours I had changed so much.  
  
Despite her tears, a happiness shone in her eyes and in her face.  
  
"Knives, you're not evil, no matter what you say." Meryl choked out.  
  
I swallowed the lump in my throat and I could finally look both of them in the eyes. I wanted to rejoice. Now I was finally able to lift the veil of darkness that covered my soul and discover the small beauty underneath. A shining light that I would nurture until it immersed me. As I looked at both of them, I realized that they belonged together. And I couldn't do anything about it. Surprisingly, I didn't care. I felt a reluctant smile pull at the corners of my mouth. I was going to be okay.  
  
'We live our lives standing frozen to the spot, unable to cry out, for eternity...'  
  
"You promise you won't hurt anyone?" Vash asked meaningly firm.  
  
"No. Never." I respond shortly with a grin. I look back and see Meryl and Milly smile at me.  
  
Finally able to walk on my own two legs now, I've decided to set out on mission. To find myself. To find the Knives that had been smothered by so much evil many many years ago. Because that little boy was still there. He didn't die, just secluded himself in the tiny corner of my mind, waiting for me to come back to my senses.  
  
Its a picture perfect moment, Vash, Meryl and Milly standing there at the doorway, beaming at me.  
  
"Well, bye." I mutter rather pathetically. Guess I'm not good with long goodbyes.  
  
"Come back soon!" I hear Meryl yell as I walk away. Of course I will. So what if Meryl can't be mine? The sun still shines, and so does her smile. No doubt I'll miss her. I'll miss all of them. As I tread on, I stare at the twin suns, with their brutal glare.  
  
And the sky's blue. A clear faultless blue, except for an occasional wooly cloud ambling by. I think of the three of them. I owe them so much. I could never pay them back for what they've done for me.  
  
Maybe one day. 


End file.
